Saturday, May 18, 2013

Am i drifting apart from myself?

With the passing of seasons and with every ticking of clock, am I moving far apart from myself? Sometimes I feel like I am completely a different person, a stranger to myself. The person who I used to be has turned into a distant ghost whom I can no longer recognize.
Where is that innocent me? A simple girl who had so much faith in god and in this world? I never believed I would turn into a person who I am in present. Was the harsh wind strong enough to blow away my innocence or was the rain powerful enough to erode my faith? I don’t know if I was just an unstable rock from the beginning that was to be surrendered to the harsh nature but one thing that I am sure about is that I am no longer that same old rock.
I am really a million miles away from myself and I just wish if my old self would return. I really miss that old “ME” who had a positive outlook towards life. It seems like I have lost myself in the thick mist where I can’t even recognize myself. Have I lost myself completely to the harsh challenges where I can no longer differentiate myself?

Failure and disappointment ( a page from my diary)

An unexpected storm has suddenly struck my life. It has totally washed away my hopes and dreams that I had once cherished as a little child. It has now destroyed the path that once was laid for me and the path that was supposed to take me to a successful future.
Being a bright student I never imagined that failure would greet me one day and that also in the crucial stage of my life where no second chance were given. I am in dilemma whether to blame fate for playing such a cruel game on me or myself for being so unlucky despite putting my best efforts. Sometimes I wonder if I am being punished for the bad deeds that I must have accumulated in my previous life. I know that I am not the only one in history to have faced such failure but thinking about my life being ruined by it makes unstoppable tears well up blurring my visions. I really envy those people who were brave enough to cope up with the challenges and move forward without any regrets.
I doubt if I will be strong enough to let this harsh reality slide from my memory and be an unpleasant chapter in my book of life. Deep in my heart I know that I will be forever plunged in the abyss of regrets with happiness light years away from my life. I cannot find a space in my heart to forgive myself for killing and stepping on my parents’ hope as I can never be a good daughter.
Now with my previous path destroyed by the harsh storm, I am left with no option but to take the small road which I had despised in the past and was sure never to take it. I know I am taking a really different journey, a journey so different from the one that I liked to imagine in the past. As I pour down my feelings over these empty pages, a realization is constantly at the back of my mind that life is unfair and I am one of those unfortunate people whose dreams had been shattered completely. 

Friday, May 17, 2013

Excerpt from breaking dawn

I imagined how the thread of my life might look in Fates' loom. Who knew but that it actually existed?
The tapestry of family and friends that wove together around me was a beautiful, glowing thing, full of their bright n complementary colors. Happiness was d main component in my life now, the dominant pattern in the tapestry.
There was a flip side to the joy though. If you turned the fabric of our lives over, i imagined the design on the backside would be woven in the bleak grays of doubt and fear.