Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Breakup

The cold mist slowly seeps through the thin opening of the cracked glass as I rub my hand against the other arm to add a spark of warmth to my soul. My gaze wanders out of the window to the view of the blanketed college campus as the fog embraces the structures on its way. The voice of the lecturer grows fainter and slowly diminishes as I engross myself to the magical showcase of the nature.
“Hey you wanna come with us?” our CR asks with a little tug on my Tego trying to gain my attention
“Huh??? Were you saying something?” I ask confusedly trying to gather my thoughts back from the captivating view. On quickly glancing at the time, almost an hour had passed and the class had already ended without my knowledge.
Didn't you listen to my announcement? We are going for picnic tomorrow to Pangthang” He added somewhat irritated realizing I hadn't paid heed to his announcement.
“Yeah she is also going with us” my friend added before I opened my mouth to refuse.
“Come on you should learn to enjoy” she whispered with an encouraging wink and dashed out of the class on seeing my forehead break into a frown.
On reaching my room, I made myself comfortable in my blankets with a cup of coffee by my side. To distract my mind from the conflicting thoughts and the melancholy drizzling of the rain, I flipped across some pages of a novel only to give up after a few seconds. With a sigh I logged into the Facebook to be greeted with the blinking of the message. I opened it to find none other than a long message which my boyfriend had written to me. Lately we had been fighting a lot for an unknown reason and somehow the string of love seemed to have broken. My friend was right. The distance proved to be a hindrance to our relationship and with the passing of days it only grew much worse. The letter read:
Two days gone without you in my life and the matter with this heart is becoming worst. Things were wonderful; I loved every moment I had spent with you.  The hunger in my heart longing desperately for you but sometimes it turned out in anger or in sadness ultimately hurting you. But believe me after showing you my anger when I checked the messages again, it used to hurt me more. Guess you would have already forgotten about that since it is of no more value to you now. I never kept the hurtful words that you uttered in your anger in my heart. I don’t know how but I could somehow dissolve it miraculously maybe because my love for you was greater than the petty matters. I had always feared that I may lose you because of my anger and indeed it turned into a harsh reality.
Ummm…..I had always feared this moment. The moment when both of us would turn into a complete stranger; even if I happen to meet you I won’t have the guts to look at you and walk away as if I never knew you. I don’t know if I am to blame the fate or myself for being me but I think it wasn't fair enough for my heart….
I never wanted to love before...Yeah I had crush on you from long time ago but I had no guts to confess it to you…I didn't possess the strength to face you then and unfortunately my love remained unrequited when you went away in class 11….I thought I would not meet you again so I stopped the thought of loving and concentrated only on having fun…But fortunately or unfortunately you came into my life again and my joy knew no bounds. I could not resist staying away from you as my dreams were complete then….I left all my bad habits and changed myself into a new person so you could like me but was unaware that I was heading into a marsh to be trapped there forever.
To tell the truth I never knew a man like me could ever love someone so much……I never realized….I never….I feel completely incomplete without you….I lose rhythm in my writing…I am losing myself….Guess I better stop my writing here. Can’t write more now…
I sniffled as cold tears started rolling down my cheeks. I felt a sharp pang of sadness and regret embracing my heart as I cried myself to sleep.
“Please not to that place… please” I prayed silently but god didn't seem to favor my wish. Our CR had chosen the same place as the picnic spot which brought back the memories that I was trying to erase. The swishing of the pine trees whispered the distant laughter that we shared and the memories all of a sudden started playing flashbacks through my mind. The laughter of my classmates sent a deep melancholy feeling in my heart.  The thoughts that I was trying to suppress welled up to the surface as I fought vigorously not to break down into tears. I realized I did a wrong thing by breaking up with him and making him go through hell but I didn't have a choice. The fact that I never loved him as much as he loved me always made me feel guilty. It was better to make him suffer once than to hurt him every day.  Rather than making him waste his love on a girl who could not return back the same amount of love, it was better to let him go to find a better girl who would give her full heart to him. For some strange reason I felt I wasn't fortunate enough to receive his immense love. The distance and the usual fights somehow warned me to let go of him.

The sky began to clear after the continuous rainy days and for a briefest second as I sat on his favorite spot among the pine trees, I felt his presence with me and I captured that blissful feeling which would always be reminisced till eternity. A broad smile crossed across my face as I let those beautiful memories of us run through my mind. 

Sunday, September 8, 2013

My “Barbie” days

“The modern girls are really unimaginable. I wonder what joy they get by ruining their natural hair colour” a middle aged woman comments as I walk past her followed by the disapproving glance from the others in company with her.
“Yalama!!! Chilip!!!” the small children giggle among themselves when they happen to fall their gaze upon my new bright reddish hair colour. It wasn’t my first time experiencing such reaction from the others. Almost like a habit, I was now used to such criticisms and it was better to let them comment to their satisfaction.
Few months back my friend and I were randomly glancing through the sample pictures on the online shopping website searching for a particular dress to order and the instant my eyes fell on that particular photo, I was intrigued by the bright glowing hair of an unknown model.  Filled with renewed enthusiasm the two of us went to parlour the next day to come out few hours later with a stunning new look. It was then that my “Barbie” days as my friends have nicknamed me began and the more I looked at myself in the mirror, the more I could not take my eyes off from my hair colour despite the insulting comments of others.
However others did not share the same fondness to my new fascination. I was unaware that I was still living in a society where most of the people are uncivilized and are bothersome about the actions of others. The gruesome looks from the elders as if they have come across a thief were enough to turn off my mood. Even while going out for a dinner to a relative’s house, I had to secure my hair into a tight bun and conceal it cautiously so as not to let my hair loose and reveal the colour.

Even though considered by others to be immature, my ‘barbie’ days are bright and colorful.  I do not regret my action and for those who still despise my hair, a wild hair colour does not define a character of a person!!!!  Life is an adventure and it should be experimented often with new things and that’s what I did J