Shattered dream

The sun was setting in the western horizon as the melancholy breeze engulfed the remaining warmth left by the sun. People were already besides their Bhukharis comfortable with its cozy warmth. The cold seemed to have forced the insects to take refuge in a warmer shelter as the evening was dead silent. The fallen leaves rustled from the little breeze that motioned from his tensed walking feet. Closing his eyes, Drukdra inhaled deeply the cold October air as the battling thoughts running wildly in his mind ceased.  The frowns seemed to disappear magically for a second as the same old air took its effect.  Slowly his fingers stroked the wristband on his left hand as the past memories rushed tangling his thoughts. With a swift movement, he opened his eyes to the view of football ground, his paradise as he used to tell his friends. The large green football pitch was still the same to be greeted by the victorious players. The only difference was that he was greeted with a melancholy anxiety and he felt like a complete stranger as he stood in his so called paradise.

The cold seemed to gnaw at his back as he painfully stretched. He was a tall, dark and usually an enthusiastic and an optimistic guy. It would be bitter to say that only at the age of eighteen, he was faced with a huge obstacle to be overcome. Treading through the rough pebbled pathway and showing his frustration on the deserted empty soda can, he tried to erase the painful memories. He reminded himself that it was just a bad dream and wished to wake up soon. But somewhere he was sure that it was impossible and that he had to be brave enough to accept the truth. 

“Where had you been? We had been so worried about you” his mother asked concernedly from across the kitchen.

“Sorry mom went outside to take in some fresh air” he answered apologetically. He could smell the delicious aroma of emadatshi wafting through every corner of the house. On quickly glancing around the sitting room, he saw his father engrossed in some of his paper works and his fourteen year old brother struck near the television.

“Next time inform us if you need to go outside” his father added taking his eyes off the papers.

“Yeah sure dad” he answered trying to avoid the extra attention they were showering on him.

“You just reached here on time. Dinner is ready” his mother announced setting out the table. He noticed that her mother had taken special care to prepare his favorite curry. However his favorite curry could not help in diverting his mind from the disturbing thoughts. They circled around the television and silently ate their dinner. The blaring sound from the television broke the awkward silence. The advertisement on the television gave way to the heated match between the Barcelona and Manchester United.

“Put off the television!!!” his father scolded his brother to which he quickly acted on his instinct.

“It’s ok Dad, let him watch the match” Drukdra uttered. “I am already done with the dinner. I’ll be going to my room now” He pushed away the half full plate as he fought vigorously to suppress the surge of sadness with a forced smile.

“Goodnight son. Time heals everything so don’t be too harsh on yourself” his father patted encouragingly on his back. Drukdra dragged himself into his bedroom and tiredly lay on the bed. He gazed at his wristband and let the memories unfold freely. It was the wristband with the word Barcelona engraved on it. The symbol of victory as his coach had gifted him for being an exceptional player.

“I am sure you can easily make it to the national team and make us all proud one day” the coach had said when he had handed him his lucky charm. Drukdra idolized Messi and his fellow mates even hailed him the 2^nd Messi as he won every match that he played in.

The memories unraveled once again before his very eyes. It was a sunny day with nothing unusual. The day was perfect as it should be with the students going about with their endless chatters and the birds chirping in the distance. Drukdra was as expected in the football ground practicing for the upcoming annual District match. The scorching sun made his shirt soak in wet but it did not dampen the stamina he had for the game. The ball presented itself before him and using all his skills he passed it to his other friend near the opposite post but his strength overtook it and down the ball went landing right into a pothole in the road. There was a disappointing sigh from the few eager audiences as the ball missed the post.

“I’ll fetch it” he volunteered and right at the moment when his hand came in contact with the ball a speeding truck zoomed by.

“Watch out!!!” his friends shouted but it was too late to reach his destination as his leg caught under the rumbling tires. He could hear the crunching of his bones and his own excruciating scream. Everything blacked out and he felt terrible hands of death tugging him.

“Thank god he is alive” he could hear faint whispers and the fading footsteps. He felt so weak and felt insurmountable difficulty to even open his eyes as if climbing the Mount Everest.  He inhaled the sharp smell of medicine and he could somehow guarantee that he was alive. Gathering all his strength he opened his eyes to be greeted by the white walls of the ICU. He tried to get himself off the metal bed but his leg didn’t obey him. It felt heavy and the searing pain shot up his whole body. The painkiller was wearing out and he found the pain impossible to be dealt with.

“Lost in your thoughts again?” his brother intervened bringing him back to the reality.

“No. was just wondering about some useless things” he shrugged his shoulders creating space for his brother to hop in. His brother adjusted himself and within seconds was already deep in sleep. He closed his eyes but the sleep seemed to have abandoned him. His mind visited the past incident again. He could still feel the anguish when the doctor had informed him of his condition.

“I’m sorry; we did everything possible but could not save your leg. You were in critical condition and concentrated only on saving your life. Even though we replaced your leg with an artificial metal leg, I’m afraid you can no longer play.” The doctor had informed him calmly.

He cried himself to sleep for weeks. The doctor did save his life but ironically he was already dead inside. He was only a moving body. Letting go of the only ambition that he had worked towards from his childhood was indeed tough.

“Why did you even save my life if I was to lead a miserable life” he cursed god every time his glance fell on his legs.  His wings were broken and he knew he was trapped forever on the ground.

It was after the harsh accident that watching football was prohibited in the house. For the first two weeks every time he saw the match on the television he broke down into tears. His parents took extra care to divert his mind from the harsh reality of his life. It was almost a month now and he still could not move on from his past. It kept lingering and obstructed his future. He was a topic of gossip in the school too. Except for his few true friends, others mimicked him as the ‘Metal legged’. The sight of the football ground drained him of his happiness as he realized he could no longer play. With the flashbacks playing on his mind he slowly drifted away to sleep.

Drukdra woke up to the warm rays of sunlight streaming through the curtains. As usual he dressed himself for the school and quickly grabbed some bread for the breakfast. On the way he met a cute child. His curly hair and the round big eyes instantly caught his attention. But something wasn’t definitely right. The child was crying all alone on a lawn with his leg drawn forward. On a closer glance he saw that the child was bleeding and his knees were bruised. Drukdra quickly went over to his aid. After cleaning the bruise, he used his spare band-Aid.

“Thank you doctor uncle; I can no longer feel the pain now” the four years old child thanked him with a broad smile on his face.

“No dear I am not a doctor” he laughed touched by the thankful voice of the child

“Hey you are smiling. Thought you had forgotten how to do so” his friends commented happily.

“Yeah, I rescued a child today or more importantly that child came to my rescue. Who cares if I cannot play? I still got my brain to create a new future. I am going to mend my wings, go up in the sky, open my wings and fly more freely and higher than anyone has. The child gave me the courage to dust myself off and get back on my feet and take off once again.” “I am going to be a doctor!!!” he smiled victoriously

“Wow that’s our buddy. Cheers to the new found ambition” they shouted uniformly. Even though only a month was left for the board exam, he didn’t lose hope.  With no games to distract him, he concentrated only on his studies. While others were drooling over the addicting match on the television, he was studying the texts ardently.  He was brave enough to turn his weakest point into his most benefitting point.  Every time his mates called him the ‘metal legged’, he studied vigorously to avoid quarrelling with them. The books became his best friend and his grades shot up shocking his teachers and his classmates.

The most awaited time for Drukdra came when the results for the class twelve board exam was about to be announced. He already lost his first dream, he did not dare to let it happen the second time. Anxiety got hold of him and even the food was tasteless as it seemed to get struck on his throat. Sitting on the sofa with his back bend forward, he tried to control his shaking hands which supported his tensed head. His cell phone beeped and with a swift motion he picked up his cell. The caller ID showed it was his dad and knowing the reason for the call his heart skipped a beat.

“Congrats son you have made me proud” his father announced barely able to hold the excitement. “You stood second from overall science stream”

Tears of happiness welled up in his eyes as he realized his hard work has paid off. His dream of being a doctor was only a few steps ahead of him. What if he could not make up to the national football team? He still could treat the patient who had lost hope and provide them with a reason to be alive. He was going to pursue MBBS in a renowned college in Sri Lanka. He thanked and kissed the lucky charm on his left hand. He was a winner once again.

A snapshot i took on my visit to Dakarpo at Paro. The cloudy weather intermingled with the serene environment to add to the auspicious day. Indeed a memorable day i had with my sisters. would love to visit it again some day :)

The fluttering of the prayer flags on the mountain top fills the valley below with harmonious music.

The Breakup

The cold mist slowly seeps through the thin opening of the cracked glass as I rub my hand against the other arm to add a spark of warmth to my soul. My gaze wanders out of the window to the view of the blanketed college campus as the fog embraces the structures on its way. The voice of the lecturer grows fainter and slowly diminishes as I engross myself to the magical showcase of the nature.

“Hey you wanna come with us?” our CR asks with a little tug on my Tego trying to gain my attention

“Huh??? Were you saying something?” I ask confusedly trying to gather my thoughts back from the captivating view. On quickly glancing at the time, almost an hour had passed and the class had already ended without my knowledge.

“Didn't you listen to my announcement? We are going for picnic tomorrow to Pangthang” He added somewhat irritated realizing I hadn't paid heed to his announcement.

“Yeah she is also going with us” my friend added before I opened my mouth to refuse.

“Come on you should learn to enjoy” she whispered with an encouraging wink and dashed out of the class on seeing my forehead break into a frown.

On reaching my room, I made myself comfortable in my blankets with a cup of coffee by my side. To distract my mind from the conflicting thoughts and the melancholy drizzling of the rain, I flipped across some pages of a novel only to give up after a few seconds. With a sigh I logged into the Facebook to be greeted with the blinking of the message. I opened it to find none other than a long message which my boyfriend had written to me. Lately we had been fighting a lot for an unknown reason and somehow the string of love seemed to have broken. My friend was right. The distance proved to be a hindrance to our relationship and with the passing of days it only grew much worse. The letter read:

Dear

Two days gone without you in my life and the matter with this heart is becoming worst. Things were wonderful; I loved every moment I had spent with you.  The hunger in my heart longing desperately for you but sometimes it turned out in anger or in sadness ultimately hurting you. But believe me after showing you my anger when I checked the messages again, it used to hurt me more. Guess you would have already forgotten about that since it is of no more value to you now. I never kept the hurtful words that you uttered in your anger in my heart. I don’t know how but I could somehow dissolve it miraculously maybe because my love for you was greater than the petty matters. I had always feared that I may lose you because of my anger and indeed it turned into a harsh reality.

Ummm…..I had always feared this moment. The moment when both of us would turn into a complete stranger; even if I happen to meet you I won’t have the guts to look at you and walk away as if I never knew you. I don’t know if I am to blame the fate or myself for being me but I think it wasn't fair enough for my heart….

I never wanted to love before...Yeah I had crush on you from long time ago but I had no guts to confess it to you…I didn't possess the strength to face you then and unfortunately my love remained unrequited when you went away in class 11….I thought I would not meet you again so I stopped the thought of loving and concentrated only on having fun…But fortunately or unfortunately you came into my life again and my joy knew no bounds. I could not resist staying away from you as my dreams were complete then….I left all my bad habits and changed myself into a new person so you could like me but was unaware that I was heading into a marsh to be trapped there forever.

To tell the truth I never knew a man like me could ever love someone so much……I never realized….I never….I feel completely incomplete without you….I lose rhythm in my writing…I am losing myself….Guess I better stop my writing here. Can’t write more now…

I sniffled as cold tears started rolling down my cheeks. I felt a sharp pang of sadness and regret embracing my heart as I cried myself to sleep.

“Please not to that place… please” I prayed silently but god didn't seem to favor my wish. Our CR had chosen the same place as the picnic spot which brought back the memories that I was trying to erase. The swishing of the pine trees whispered the distant laughter that we shared and the memories all of a sudden started playing flashbacks through my mind. The laughter of my classmates sent a deep melancholy feeling in my heart.  The thoughts that I was trying to suppress welled up to the surface as I fought vigorously not to break down into tears. I realized I did a wrong thing by breaking up with him and making him go through hell but I didn't have a choice. The fact that I never loved him as much as he loved me always made me feel guilty. It was better to make him suffer once than to hurt him every day.  Rather than making him waste his love on a girl who could not return back the same amount of love, it was better to let him go to find a better girl who would give her full heart to him. For some strange reason I felt I wasn't fortunate enough to receive his immense love. The distance and the usual fights somehow warned me to let go of him.

The sky began to clear after the continuous rainy days and for a briefest second as I sat on his favorite spot among the pine trees, I felt his presence with me and I captured that blissful feeling which would always be reminisced till eternity. A broad smile crossed across my face as I let those beautiful memories of us run through my mind. 

My “Barbie” days

“The modern girls are really unimaginable. I wonder what joy they get by ruining their natural hair colour” a middle aged woman comments as I walk past her followed by the disapproving glance from the others in company with her.

“Yalama!!! Chilip!!!” the small children giggle among themselves when they happen to fall their gaze upon my new bright reddish hair colour. It wasn’t my first time experiencing such reaction from the others. Almost like a habit, I was now used to such criticisms and it was better to let them comment to their satisfaction.

Few months back my friend and I were randomly glancing through the sample pictures on the online shopping website searching for a particular dress to order and the instant my eyes fell on that particular photo, I was intrigued by the bright glowing hair of an unknown model.  Filled with renewed enthusiasm the two of us went to parlour the next day to come out few hours later with a stunning new look. It was then that my “Barbie” days as my friends have nicknamed me began and the more I looked at myself in the mirror, the more I could not take my eyes off from my hair colour despite the insulting comments of others.

However others did not share the same fondness to my new fascination. I was unaware that I was still living in a society where most of the people are uncivilized and are bothersome about the actions of others. The gruesome looks from the elders as if they have come across a thief were enough to turn off my mood. Even while going out for a dinner to a relative’s house, I had to secure my hair into a tight bun and conceal it cautiously so as not to let my hair loose and reveal the colour.

Even though considered by others to be immature, my ‘barbie’ days are bright and colorful.  I do not regret my action and for those who still despise my hair, a wild hair colour does not define a character of a person!!!!  Life is an adventure and it should be experimented often with new things and that’s what I did J

Homage to the peach tree

The unruly wind greets again

Attired with the distant memories

Storming through the deserted tree

Gruesome chillness feeding on its life

The gust of wind unravels memories

Long forgotten with the course of time

Bringing remnants of the blissful past

Flooding my heart with utter despair

The peach tree stands aged and worn out

That once nurtured the vulnerable child

Sheltering her through the harsh storms

Concealing her from the deceptive world

The tree bestowed aesthetic flowers on her

Instilling happiness in her gloomy life

The majestic tree with its huge dimension

Provided shade through the scorching sun

I pay my homage to the peach tree

That accompanied me through all seasons

Whose luscious fruits satisfied my hunger

And with whom I lived in perfect amity

The bus romance

“Study hard even though it’s an arduous task. I’m gonna kill you if you land up in private school”

“Don’t worry I will follow your footsteps and won’t let you all down…. You travel safely” my sister who was in tenth grade responded with her usual devilish grin obviously aware of the fact that I did not follow the advice that I had just given to her. It was early morning and the world outside was still too quite probably comfortable in their warm blankets before they began their daily hustle and bustle. The wall clock was ticking by, its arm pointing at 4 and sleepily I checked if all my things were in place before I departed to stay away from home for about four months.

“Hey good news….. I got the ticket but it means we will be reaching at our college three days before the exact reporting date.” one of my classmates who too stayed at Paro informed me.

“Will that be ok? You wanna go with me?” she added.

“Yes! Yes!” I shouted before she could finish her sentence. To get the tickets for the schedule bus was quite a hectic job usually when the reporting date for the various colleges nears. I had to grab that opportunity even if I had to sacrifice some few days that I could have spend with my families.

A loud horn from the trucks passing by woke me up. I had fallen asleep for about an hour and when looking out of the window to enjoy the scenario outside, we had already reached at Babesa. My mom was chanting bazaguru with the distant look in her eyes probably sad to let go of her daughter even for a short while.

“The job market is already turning into a competitive one. Study hard as you have to get a good job so as to look after your younger siblings”, my dad advised me as I stepped into the bus. I gave a cursory glance through the bus and noticed that most of them were probably students. At the back seat of the bus I could see two lovebirds away from the crowds snuggled against each other in their own romance world.

The bus started off with the passengers dozing off probably getting back their sleep which they had sacrificed earlier so as not to miss the bus. I could see my friend who had called me about the ticket in the front seat accompanied by the music from her phone. The air was cold and the environment was also strange obvious of the fact that the other passengers were all strangers to me. The bus conductor who possessed the character of humor kept the environment lively by cracking jokes and showing his funny moves whenever a song blasted from the music box.

The bus stopped to a halt at some place unknown and there entered a guy who was probably of my age and took the seat next to me. My heart skipped a beat when I stared at his face which somehow looked so familiar. He was tall in height and was of somewhat fair complexion who looked serious and had that look of ‘Do not mess with me’ type. I was surprised though when he greeted me with his warm smile and I too greeted him back coyly with a smile.

“So we are going to be seat partner for the journey… you good name please?”

“I’m Lekzin and what’s your name?” I questioned back.

“Rinzin… so guess you must be a student?”

“Yeah and you too right?” I learned later from our conversation that he was pursuing his education in India and was currently going to Trashigang to meet his sister who was insisting on meeting him before he went off to his college. He turned out to be quite a talkative person who was interested in experimenting new things. The journey was filled with his talks and surprisingly I didn’t doze off like I usually did at the boring long talks.

Outside the dusk was falling and I could feel the chilly breeze of the Bumthang valley blowing over my cheeks.  The bus conductor informed us to stay at the particular hotel since it would be easy if all the passengers were together. So like the other passengers my friend and I booked a room which we later came to realize was smelly and infested with bed bugs. The wall was decorated with the red spittle which was probably the work of an ignorant ‘doma’ eater. Worst of all there was no socket which meant an end to entertainment as the battery of our laptops and phones were already down. So after having dinner my friend and I tried to get some sleep but hardly did we close our eyes when the sound of drum and chanting from above woke us. Irritated we got up to wait for another hour only to realize that the noise never ceased to end.

We could hear the faint music from outside and went to seek solace in the night club instead of getting stuck in the room without any sleep. Outside the club though I was surprised to find my seat partner.

“So the mysterious noise from above finally succeeded in chasing you here”, he winked

“Yeah we had no idea what was with that strange noise”, I responded.

He was with his friend who was in the same college with us and so the four of us went inside the club only to find the dance floor all to ourselves. It was awkward with only the four of us on the dance floor but soon we blended in. we chatted and danced and soon were unaware of the time flying by. More people joined us by the midnight and sadly our only entertainment was closed down by one o’clock. Unwillingly we went back to our smelly room.

“Hey we can’t sleep with those bed bugs. Why don’t we chat the whole night and sleep during the journey in the bus”, my seat partner suggested to which we totally agreed.

Rinzin questioned us after an awkward silence “Have you heard of the renowned gang leader in Thimphu called the viper?”

“Nope. Never heard of it” we replied unanimously.

“That’s not important. What I am trying to say is that once he was charging me without any reason and the next thing I pulled my pocket knife and stabbed him twice in the heart. He was hospitalized and I stayed in jail for two weeks” he blurted out with the tone of seriousness.

“Yeah he is telling the truth. You have no clue how bad a person he can be. I was the one to take food for him when he was in the jail” his friend added.

“So it means both of you are also gang members?”I asked regaining my composure after a few moments

“Yeah. We joined when we were in class ten only” replied both.

I got goose bumps when they furthermore described their adventurous incidents of gang fights and more. They said they could even add me and my friend in their so called gang if we wanted, to which we rejected gladly. We were speechless knowing their true character and after few more minutes both of them burst out laughing.

“Hahahaha we fooled you” they couldn’t stop laughing

“If I really stayed in prison how would I have got enrolled in a college? There had to be some entertainment and both of you were not taking the lead to talk” Rinzin laughed even harder.

Their lie of gang fights had already kept us awake through the morning and we could hear some of the other passengers waking up to get ready for the journey.

“We should better stop talking and prepare ourselves for the journey”, the two guys added with some traces of humor still lingering on their faces.

“Ok liars let’s get ready for the journey”, I added to which they laughed even more

When I entered the bus, I noticed that my friend and the guy from our college who was with Rinzin had something going on between them.  The way that they looked at each other affectionately conveyed some hints to us.

“Did they already pair up?” Rinzin whispered with his mischievous grin when we were in our seats.

“I think so” I responded with my usual lopsided grin.

“And by the way thank you for entertaining us with your lie yesterday”

“The pleasures all mine” he laughed with his charming voice ringing in the air.

“I am not betraying you dear. I will tie the knot only with you. I will take care of your children as if they are my own and wait for me till I reach back at Thimphu. Don’t go out with other guys and take care of your health.” the bus conductor was talking with his sweetheart on the phone. Instead of sounding it romantic he made it sound even funnier with the way he talked. The laughter of the passenger woke me up and on looking to my left I caught Rinzin starring at me. He quickly shifted his glance to the other side when he was aware of my opened eyes.

Rinzin was smiling to himself and I caught him starring at the driver.

“Did I miss anything?”

“You indeed missed a lot of thing sleepyhead” he smiled.

“There is something going on with the driver and the women next to him. They had been holding hands for more than an hour and exchanging numbers too. Ah!! This bus is filled with romance starting from the driver to the passengers” he laughed motioning me to our friends who were now sitting together.

“Maybe we should try our luck too” he grinned and I laughed it off with the punch on his shoulder.

The phone of the bus conductor again ringed. “Darling please don’t call me right now. I will call you during the night time and we can talk freely. Right now the passengers are laughing at me when I talk with you. And please don’t go out with other guys” The bus soon exploded with uproarious laughter at his conversation.

Unwillingly our destination was nearing when the fun was at its peak and it meant that soon we would all go our separate ways. The romance was still continuing with the driver, our friends and the bus conductor on his phone. I wanted the journey to continue forever but the reality soon unfolded itself as we reached at Trashigang. Before I got off the bus Rinzin whispered in my ears, “The dance that I had with you felt so dreamlike and the journey I had with you by my side was the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. If I were ever given a chance I want those moments to happen all over again. Maybe we were fated only to be a seat partner and I am very much blessed to have you even for a short while.”

With his bold confessions he got off the bus before I could regain my composure. I dashed outside only to see him enter the cab and disappear in the thick mist with his genuine smile which I captured in my mind. Just like the brief flower which blooms for a short while only to imprint itself on the viewer’s heart, he was just a memory that I was to keep cherishing forever. 

Fateful departure

The sun swiftly climbed up the mountain
Lighting the darkness with its unwavering rays
Yet it did not lighten my gloomy heart
That was bathed in miseries and tears

The clock ticked by heedless to my emotions
Sadly it was time for me to bid farewell 
My bleeding heart pierced by sadness
Had a last glance at my friends

The journey towards here was so silent
But the memories of my bygone days disturbed my mind
Making fresh tears flow out like a river
Impossible to be dried with the bright sun rays.

The empty sky was alive with the visions
Of the moments I spent in my school
And soft breeze whispered in my ears
The laughter I shared with my friends

I entered into this alien place
With drunken thoughts staggering in my mind
Hoping to be freed from the chains of miseries
Turning my shattered thoughts back to joyous.

Betrayal

Beautiful rose I saw

So enchanting and raw

Blooming in the garden of faith

Without any misery nor wrath

Heavenly dewdrops glistening

On the petals in the morning

It whooped with joy

In the dazzling light from the sky

Its sweet fragrance

Has left he beings in trance

The beautiful roses with its art

Has stolen my precious heart

I, stunned by its smile

Have fallen for its deceitful wile

The beauty which I had adorned

Is now left for me to scorn

The awkward prickly thorn

Has left my heart torn

My blood though is washed by rain

But I’m never parted from the pain.

Light in the darkness

In the room of ruin and loss

Covered by the flowerless moss

Lies a bird wounded for ages

Happiness erased from its life’s pages

The knife of remorse has pierced its heart

Forcing its soul to tear apart

The winter seems to stretch on forever

And tears continue to flow like river

Like a leaf detached from the forest

Greediness succeeded in setting it free

The wind of catastrophe blew away its fate

To change its course back, but it is too late

The radiant spirit is crushed by life’s debacles

Making it hard to overcome its obstacles

The wall thus echoes an agonized cry

And broken wings mark its endless try

But amidst the never ending plight

There comes a cheering ray of light

Thrusting its way through the wall

Spreading warmth and hope to all

It drives away the darkness in its life
By providing strength and courage to dive

Towards the ocean of hidden treasures
 Memories of spring bring in all pleasure

                                                

The stranger spirit

The word “SPIRIT” and its mysterious existence have always enchanted me a lot. According to the definition spirit is a characteristics of a person that are considered as being separate from the body, and which many religions believe continue to exist after the body dies. The question “do spirits really exist?” has always intrigued me a lot and even though it may be foolish to even believe in the things which may be unreal I do believe that the spirits exist. I have often heard of the stories and incidents where a spirit possesses a human body to communicate with his/her beloved after his/her death. My village being a remote one, it is full of strange stories about the paranormal activities.

It is fascinating to know our past and I used to always inquire my aunt who had always been closed to me to inform me of my childhood actions and behaviors and it would always be my bedtime stories to hear one of my mischievous actions. It may sound strange but my aunt once narrated me that I was also one of the victims of such possession by a spirit. It is true that I do not remember a single thing may be because of my small age as I could barely speak at that time but that’s what I believe.


It all started with the death of a boy who died of an illness without receiving any medication. As told by my aunt he was a year older than me and our close neighbor. He used to be always attached to me as I was his only companion and his playmate. Call it a coincidence or fate but the night he died, I fell seriously ill and lost my consciousness. The next thing I regained my consciousness, I started talking which is strange because at that time I could barely learn to talk properly. It was for sure that I was possessed by the spirit of that boy as he started requesting to call his family so that he could talk with them for a while. After talking to his parents, then only did he leave my body and the next day I was as healthy as before…


After revealing that incident to me by my aunt, I have often wondered about the possession by the spirits. Could the spirit of that boy possess me because he had always been attached to me or was I so weak to have even been possessed. If I was so weak then why was that possession my first and the last? I sometimes come to the conclusion that maybe he could not let go of me even after he died. I remember years later when I was leaving the village to settle in the town where my dad got a job. We were about to cross a big river and I remember clearly my dad holding me in his arms while crossing the river and the next thing we were both nearly drowned. Luckily we were able to get out of the river and my mother who is quite religious was chanting some prayers.


Now when I reflect upon that incident I think it was some sort of sign to urge me to stay in the village instead of leaving it or maybe he didn’t want to be alone. I am still curious to know if he was the one who made us to nearly get drowned feeling that he was being abandoned. Even today when I visit the village I feel some kind of indescribable emptiness inside me and maybe he is the reason why my parents do not allow me to loiter in faraway places and prefer me to stay in the house. Sometimes I clearly feel all these things to be crazy stuffs but deep down in my heart I hope he has been able to move on and had been able to found a new life even though he was a stranger to me. I can never remember him how hard I try…

Hopeless me

I have often wondered where destiny would lead me to. Would I be able to take a new sharp turn from the same old, tired and lonely road? But the answer never seems to change. It is always the pessimist answer that is no, I will never be able to reach to that point. I believe that this answer will never change throughout the course of my life.

I am the one that is lost in a haze, unable to see the path, blinded by the thick fog of failure. My friends are miles ahead of me with their bright future already blooming in the near garden waiting eagerly for their own master but here I am, unable to move forward to search my own garden because I am always held back by my stupidity.
Being here in Sherubtse I could somehow console myself into thinking that at least success would greet me one day but every time I hear the lecturers announcing our marks, the hope goes down the drain. I now realize that I am a complete idiot to have such expectations and my life is not going to get any better. It is always going to remain imperfect, charmless and lonely. Till now I had always been carrying a wrong notion about myself. I am not courageous enough to let go of the past and fight my own battle and that is what I will always remain throughout my life, a complete coward.

Am i drifting apart from myself?

With the passing of seasons and with every ticking of clock, am I moving far apart from myself? Sometimes I feel like I am completely a different person, a stranger to myself. The person who I used to be has turned into a distant ghost whom I can no longer recognize.

Where is that innocent me? A simple girl who had so much faith in god and in this world? I never believed I would turn into a person who I am in present. Was the harsh wind strong enough to blow away my innocence or was the rain powerful enough to erode my faith? I don’t know if I was just an unstable rock from the beginning that was to be surrendered to the harsh nature but one thing that I am sure about is that I am no longer that same old rock.

I am really a million miles away from myself and I just wish if my old self would return. I really miss that old “ME” who had a positive outlook towards life. It seems like I have lost myself in the thick mist where I can’t even recognize myself. Have I lost myself completely to the harsh challenges where I can no longer differentiate myself?

Failure and disappointment ( a page from my diary)

An unexpected storm has suddenly struck my life. It has totally washed away my hopes and dreams that I had once cherished as a little child. It has now destroyed the path that once was laid for me and the path that was supposed to take me to a successful future.

Being a bright student I never imagined that failure would greet me one day and that also in the crucial stage of my life where no second chance were given. I am in dilemma whether to blame fate for playing such a cruel game on me or myself for being so unlucky despite putting my best efforts. Sometimes I wonder if I am being punished for the bad deeds that I must have accumulated in my previous life. I know that I am not the only one in history to have faced such failure but thinking about my life being ruined by it makes unstoppable tears well up blurring my visions. I really envy those people who were brave enough to cope up with the challenges and move forward without any regrets.

I doubt if I will be strong enough to let this harsh reality slide from my memory and be an unpleasant chapter in my book of life. Deep in my heart I know that I will be forever plunged in the abyss of regrets with happiness light years away from my life. I cannot find a space in my heart to forgive myself for killing and stepping on my parents’ hope as I can never be a good daughter.

Now with my previous path destroyed by the harsh storm, I am left with no option but to take the small road which I had despised in the past and was sure never to take it. I know I am taking a really different journey, a journey so different from the one that I liked to imagine in the past. As I pour down my feelings over these empty pages, a realization is constantly at the back of my mind that life is unfair and I am one of those unfortunate people whose dreams had been shattered completely. 

Excerpt from breaking dawn

I imagined how the thread of my life might look in Fates' loom. Who knew but that it actually existed?
The tapestry of family and friends that wove together around me was a beautiful, glowing thing, full of their bright n complementary colors. Happiness was d main component in my life now, the dominant pattern in the tapestry.
There was a flip side to the joy though. If you turned the fabric of our lives over, i imagined the design on the backside would be woven in the bleak grays of doubt and fear.